Things a Real Estate Attorney Doesn’t Want to Hear (Satire):

Creative Fraud

1. “My Loan Officer said I’m not allowed to get money back at closing, but they can write the check to you, you can put it in your escrow account, and then you can write the check to me.”
2. “My parents are giving me the Down Payment as a gift, but after the closing I’m going to pay them back. That still counts as a gift, right?”
3. “If I sign the Owner-Occupancy Affidavit at closing, how long do I actually have to live there?”
4. “The Seller agreed to give me $15,000.00 after closing for repairs, but my Loan Officer said not to mention that in the Contract.”
5. “My Mortgage Broker said that if the appraised value comes in low, we can just change the Contract price for the Bank and keep our real deal on the side.”
6. “I know the funds need to be sourced, but if I deposit the cash in increments under $10,000.00, that should make things easier, right?”
7. “In order to keep the price under a million, I’ll pay the Seller $100,000.00 for furniture so I can avoid the Mansion Tax.”
8. “I am no longer a New York resident, but what if I just say that I am?”
9. “My Loan Officer failed to disclose the Mansion Tax and said I can just pay it outside of closing.”
10. “I am told by my Broker that if I fictitiously raise the selling price of the house by $500.00, I can avoid paying the $500.00 PCDS credit. That’s legal, right?”

Love & Signatures

1. “We are married, just not to each other.”
2. “I can sign my wife’s name on the documents, right? I always do.”
3. “I want to add my girlfriend to the deed, but my Loan Officer said I can’t do that at closing. After closing, you should add her to the deed—just don’t let my Loan Officer know.”
4. “My girlfriend and I are buying the house together. I put up $25,000.00 more than she did. Can you write up a ‘little paper’ in the event that we break up?”
5. “My grandmother suffers from dementia and won’t leave the house, so you’ll need to go there and notarize her signature.”
6. “I thought you could notarize my wife’s signature on this while I’m here.”
7. “We’re getting married next week; can’t we use my wife’s new name on the deed?”
8. “We are separated, but only personally, not legally.”
9. “My wife is in the car outside. Can’t you just look out the window and witness her signature from a distance?”
10. “My ex-wife is still on the Deed, but she has no interest in the property, so I don’t see why she needs to sign anything.”

‘As Is’ Myths

1. “So there’s a judgment against me that I shouldn’t have to pay. The sale was supposed to be ‘As Is.’”
2. “What do you mean that I have to clear the violations against my real estate? The deal was supposed to be ‘As Is.’”
3. “So what if the heating system broke? The sale was supposed to be ‘As Is.’”
4. “The central air conditioning system never worked, and I have no idea why that was included in the transaction.”
5. “I closed on my purchase 6 months ago, and the HVAC isn’t working. How much money is in escrow?”
6. “I closed on my purchase 6 months ago, and I just now learned that the extension in the rear of the house is illegal.”
7. “We just closed on our purchase, and my Pool Company said that the Seller knew that the pool liner was leaking—and you knew that the only reason we bought this house was because we really liked the pool.”
8. “The roof only leaks during very heavy rain, so I did not think that was something I needed to mention.”
9. “The basement only gets water when it rains hard and the ground is already saturated.”
10. “The crack in the foundation was there when I bought the house, so it is not really my problem.”
11. “The garage door has not closed properly in years, but the house was being sold ‘As Is.’”
12. “The boiler was working the last time I used it, which I believe was sometime in February.”

Illegal Units

1. “My Real Estate Broker advised me that the reason there is no Certificate of Occupancy for the house I am considering purchasing is that there was a fire at the Department of Buildings, and all the records were destroyed.”
2. “My Real Estate Broker said that the house is considered a ‘mother-daughter,’ so I can legally rent the apartment, and I can use the rent to help defray my Mortgage payments.”
3. “My Real Estate Broker said that I can rent out the basement apartment because it has a ‘summer kitchen.’”
4. “If the deck is less than 36 inches off the ground, I understand that it doesn’t need to be legalized with the Department of Buildings.”
5. “If my in-ground pool is less than 400 square feet, it doesn’t require any filings.”
6. “My Real Estate Broker said that all the houses on the block where I am purchasing have a large deck and a large built-in pool, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”
7. “I will order my own survey, which will show the deck on the rear of the house, and my Real Estate Broker said that will make the deck legal.”
8. “It’s Staten Island; every basement gets water.”
9. “It is not a basement apartment. It just has a full bathroom, a bedroom, a stove, and a separate entrance.”
10. “My Real Estate Broker said that if the stove is on wheels, it is not considered a kitchen.”
11. “The attic is not a third floor; it is just finished space that happens to have bedrooms.”
12. “The apartment over the garage is for family only, except when I rent it out.”

Title & Paperwork

1. “How can the house still be in my great-grandfather’s name? I’m told that he left it to my grandfather, and his four siblings have lived there for the last 40 years, and my mother has been there for the last 20 years, so it’s her house alone. You must be mistaken. By the way, this deal needs to close in 30 days.”
2. “I paid off that Mortgage a long time ago. Why is it now coming up as a problem?”
3. “I don’t have a Mortgage on my property; I have a Home Equity Credit Line.”
4. “I want to keep the Credit Line open after I sell the property; my Loan Officer said that I could do that.”
5. “The Sidewalk Violation against my real estate is from a long time ago. I don’t even remember it.”
6. “My Bank said that Title Insurance is optional.”
7. “My Bank said that a Survey is optional.”
8. “The Realtor has a Title Company that will insure it.”
9. “My Costco card has my photo ID on it. That’s a valid ID, right?”
10. “It is a ‘bank check.’ Right at the top, next to my name, it reads ‘TD Bank.’”
11. “I changed my legal name 15 years ago. Why are you making this an issue now?”
12. “I closed about 20 years ago. Do you have a copy of my Survey from my file?”
13. “(The Bank Attorney, after everything has been signed): ‘Why did you sign everything in blue ink?’”
14. “My mother passed away years ago, but all of my siblings know that she wanted me to have the house, so can’t we just proceed?”
15. “The Mortgage was paid off by a Bank that no longer exists, so how can it still be a lien?”
16. “I do not have all of the Death Certificates, but everyone is definitely dead.”
17. “My name is spelled differently on the Deed, my Driver’s License, and my Passport, but it is all me.”
18. “We have been using the driveway on the neighbor’s property for over 30 years, so I assumed that came with the house.”

Water & Utilities

1. “DEP never put my name on the water account; does that mean that I do not have to pay water / sewer charges?”
2. “My last water bill says it’s an ‘actual’ reading, so that’s good enough, right?”
3. “I read the meter myself. Here’s a photo of it.”
4. “The Seller just called me to say that he did not get a final water meter reading from DEP, and his Attorney suggested that we adjust off the last bill and hold $200 in escrow. My Realtor agrees.” 
5. “The Representative from DEP advised me not to order a final water meter reading until I have a definite closing date.”
6. “The water meter is behind the finished wall now, but I do have a photograph of it from a few years ago.”
7. “I never transferred the water account into my name, so I don’t understand why I’m responsible for the balance.”
8. “The oil tank was removed by a prior owner, although I cannot say exactly where it was removed from.”
9. “The final water reading can wait until after closing, right?”
10. “I shut off the electric yesterday, but the Walk-Through is during the daytime, so it should be fine.”

Broker Gospel

1. “I know you advised me, but I was at a barbecue this past weekend, and my cousin, who is an Attorney, advised me differently.”
2. “I know what you said, but I read otherwise on the Internet.”
3. “I was speaking to my friend about my Contract; he works for the City.”
4. “My friend, the Mortgage Broker, said that he got me the best deal possible.”
5. “My Mortgage Broker got me a 15-day extension on my rate. After that, he said it’s up to you to work it out with the other Attorney.”
6. “Although I signed a Purchase Contract two (2) months ago, my Loan Officer is now advising me that I need a Seller’s Concession, so please prepare a new Contract of Sale.”
7. “My Real Estate Broker said that my closing is taking place tomorrow.”
8. “My Broker said that the other Attorney is trying to reach you and that you’re not responding.”
9. “Broker: ‘I am calling about our Client.’ (Who is ‘our’ Client? I’m not sure.)”
10. “My Real Estate Broker said that you are difficult to work with.”
11. “My Real Estate Broker said that you only get paid in the end when the deal closes.”
12. “My Real Estate Broker said that you would explain to me the Property Condition Disclosure Statement that he completed and had me sign.”
13. “My Real Estate Broker said that I will need to disconnect the stove in the basement, move it away from the wall, and cover it with a blanket before the Appraiser comes to see the house.”
14. “My Real Estate Broker said not to worry. Although my Purchase Contract is not contingent on my Real Estate Sale closing first, if my sale does not close, I will be denied for my Mortgage, and I will then be able to cancel my Purchase Contract and get my down payment back.”
15. “My Real Estate Broker said to tell you to ‘just hold Escrow.’”
16. “My Broker said that Attorneys always say ‘no’ first.”
17. “My Real Estate Broker said that the Bank Attorney represents everyone at the closing.”
18. “My Broker said that if the Appraiser asks, the basement is a ‘recreation area.’”
19. “My Real Estate Broker said that the Certificate of Occupancy is really only important if someone complains.”

Timing & Contingencies

1. “The Purchaser’s Mortgage rate lock is expiring, and I was told that if I do not close before the expiration date, the deal is dead.”
2. “I locked in my Mortgage Rate (although I haven’t yet signed the Contract).”
3. “The Broker advised me that they won’t allow my purchase to be contingent on my sale. Is that okay?”
4. “In order to get the house, I waived the appraisal and all inspections. Is that okay?”
5. “The closing date is on or about July 1; today is July 2. Do I get to keep their Down Payment?”
6. “I already scheduled my movers, the painter, and the locksmith for the closing date in the Contract, and if I cancel any of them, I will be charged, so this deal has to close on the date I selected.”
7. “I am leaving for vacation the morning of the closing, but I should be reachable by text.”
8. “I waived the inspection contingency to get the house, but I still assumed that anything major would have to be fixed.”

Condition & Possession

1. “I know the Contract says vacant and broom clean, but I thought they would appreciate some furniture. My dad built those cabinets.”
2. “Just tell the Purchasers that the house is as broom clean as they’re going to get it.”
3. “Have the Purchasers call bulk pickup so that they do not end up getting a ticket for the 2 beds and 2 refrigerators that I left at the curb.”
4. “We are ready to close tomorrow, and I noticed that the Seller did not trim the lawn.”
5. “You didn’t tell me I needed to clean out the attic, garage, and yard, too.”
6. “The Purchaser wants to move furniture into the house before closing. Is that okay?”
7. “I get to stay in the house for 5 days after closing for free, right?”
8. “The Purchaser would not sign the Use and Occupancy Escrow Release form, but I gave them the keys anyway. When may I pick up the escrow check?”
9. “I didn’t do anything at all that was required of me by the Escrow Agreement. When do you release the escrow money to me?”
10. “As my Attorney, you’re coming with me to the final Walk-Through inspection, right?”
11. “The Walk-Through is scheduled for 10:00 AM, so we may be a few minutes late to the 10:00 AM closing.”
12. “My Tenant in the house I am selling is not allowing me to show his apartment. I need you to write a letter to him.”
13. “If I remove the fence, that should solve my ‘out of possession’ issue, right?”
14. “Yes, I pulled out all the copper plumbing and the light fixtures because the Buyer is going to demolish it anyway.”
15. “The chandeliers are not included because they are now considered family heirlooms.”
16. “The house is broom clean if you do not count the attic, the shed, or the crawl space.”
17. “I left the extra paint cans and the broken tiles there for the Purchasers because they may need them.”
18. “The keys are with my cousin, but he is out right now.”
19. “I know the Contract says the appliances stay, but I assumed I could still take the nice refrigerator in the garage.”

Fees & Boundaries

1. “Can you do any better on your fee? My Real Estate Broker, who is getting paid $40,000.00, knows a lawyer who can represent me for half what you’re asking.”
2. “Everyone I spoke to said that you’re the best Real Estate Attorney out there, but why is your legal fee so high?”
3. “I got lower quotes for a legal fee. Can you do better?”
4. “Retainer? I thought the $500.00 you got up front was my entire legal fee.”
5. “Although you got me out of the deal, which I only wanted to cancel because I changed my mind, I still have to pay you a legal fee?”
6. “Your fee (which you did not even get yet) includes the lawsuit for specific performance, right?”
7. “You’re my Attorney. Aren’t you supposed to be working for me?”
8. “You don’t mind if I drop by your Office without an appointment, do you?”
9. “(Dropping off a banker’s box loaded with documents at your Office): ‘Whatever you need should be in the box.’”
10. “I work until 7:00 PM. Can I see you around 8:00 PM tonight? Or how about on Sunday?”
11. “May I pay you with my credit card so that I can get points?”
12. “It’s okay if I bring my four (4) young children with me to the closing, right?”
13. “(Immediately, as someone for the closing walks into the Office): ‘May I use the bathroom?’”
14. “As my lawyer, you made sure there are not any sex offenders on the block, right?”
15. “I just googled the address and found out someone died in the house, so I don’t want it anymore.”
16. “I thought we were closing in your office.”
17. “Did you get my E-Mail?” / “You didn’t respond to my E-Mail from 11:30 PM.”
18. “This is a standard real estate closing, so I did not think there would be much legal work involved.”
19. “If the deal falls apart and I need to sue, that is included in your legal fee, right?”
20. “I sent you a 42-page Home Inspection Report last night. Were you able to review it?”
21. “I copied my Real Estate Broker on the E-Mail so that he can help move things along.”
22. “I know it is late, but I finally have time now to go over the Contract in detail.”

(This list was a joint effort between Vincent Gallo and Pete Weinman).